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Category Archives: Dumb Sh*t

Don’t judge me: sex and tears

Disclaimer: don’t judge me, people do dumb, eyebrow raised shit but hey experience life an move on.

I always considered myself a reformed hoe. I changed my hoe-ish ways and was civilized but, last night changed all that.

Thanks to my love of Patron.
I was drunk off Parton….straight no chaser and I made bad choices that turned out to be good until some weird shit happened.

So it was around 9pm I receive a call from buddy #1 telling me that I should come over because he was feeling nice. Fine, whatever after 5 minutes of  serious convincing from his end on why I need to come to his place I give in.

Let me just set the mood for as to the state I was on when he called. My room was dark mainly because of the time but I also have blackout curtains. The tv was the only thing that illuminated the room. I have been hibernating in my room since the previous day and there is evidence of me getting food from the crumpled up chip and candy bags. Along with a plates, cups and empty water bottles thrown on the floor. My hair was wild and I am sure my breathe and body was too. I resembled a bum. A homeless lady just with a home. It was bad but I was comfortable…funky yet still comfortable.

So from that state to his call there definitely was a need of me being convinced that I needed to go out into the real world.

Moving on he tells me that he was drinking and feeling nice. To me that translate as decent dick for at least 20 minutes. This is what swayed me into turn my light on and getting into the shower to become a real person again.

Due to the fact that I was dragging my feet on going out for decent dick I declined on shaving…anywhere. I wasn’t extremely hairy in places but things were a tad bit wild.

Before I get there I hit up the liquor store because if he is feeling nice I need to get up to that level and Patron will get me there fast. I got a couple mini bottles and drunk them before I saw him. Immediately once I see him I knew that not only did he drunk but he was high. So clearly he is at a higher level of nice than I thought. He was high and had Hennessey so my inner me was like

hell yea I am going to rape you

” but of course the outer me had to be cool.

For those who drink Patron, let alone straight you know it tends to make you hot. Hot…like you are in a sauna with winter clothes on. It also make me have a tingling sensation….. oh man, I love Patron.

So I tell him I’m hot and I start taking my clothes off. Now I am laying there in my bra and panties trying to cool off and this would be great for him to start, but of course not. It’s about 45 minutes later I am still cooling off and getting sleepy. My tingling sensation is gone and I am ready to leave.

We finally have sex and on scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) I was a solid 4.

So sad.

We’re laying there and I am talking made shit about how this was subpar dick and after the many time together I’ve only tapped out twice compared to him, which I know is greater than 20.

He starts falling asleep and I start playing games in my phone. Then the idea of me going home and playing with myself seems so much better. I start texting buddy #2 for some help in my solo session and he’s down.

Now before you even ask, buddy #2 was busy with work. I talked to him before I was no longer looking like a homeless lady. Also buddy #2 has an unpredictable schedule so who knew the series of events were to happen.

Moving on….

After I take a shower, I am trying to make a quick get away to go home buddy is trying to get me to stay. Oh hell no! I don’t do sleep overs. I finally leave still texting buddy #2 and I tell him how I miss him.

As soon as I start my engine, he sends me the best text ever.

“Come get some dick”

Oh my God!!!! I scream and shout not in the excitement of finally getting this text after months of being on hiatus with him and his good dick but because I just wasted my vagina for the day on buddy #1.

Why oh why, have they not invent the time machine yet?

After a long debate as I drive home of me pulling my hoe card out for this special moment I respond to him that I am on my way.

This was a serious debate of how can I go and have sex with one and a few hours have sex with another. I mean I have had sex with 2 different guys 23 hrs from each other but this was some serious hoe shit that I never done before.

Well I looked at it from many different ways.
1. Guys do it. I know the whole double standard thing blah blah blah but you gotta really think this was some “white whale” shit that I have been waiting for.
2. Protection. I used protection with one so I will also use it with the other. I can take being a hoe, but a nasty hoe I can’t love with.
3. Exclusivity. I am not in a relationship with either of this guy’s so I can live a scantily clad life for the night.
4. Privacy. I was going to take this to the grave but I decided to share with the world.
5. I am fucking horny. All buddy #1 did was get me to level where I needed to have sex.
6. It’s getting late. It’s Sunday, a school night I am not trying to be up all night knowing I have to get up in a few hours.

After all that I didn’t feel bad or judgment against myself about doing this.

I go to buddy #2 house and we talk for 2 minutes before he said “take it off now”.
I was so excited that I was able to have sex with him I declined him giving me head because again really fucked up plus I just missed his dick.

We have sex, and dammit the shit was amazing. Epic. The best.

Once…twice…three times in one session. It was well needed.

Something else happened in the midst of the second time. I started getting teary-eyed. Then I started to cry.

WTF.

I don’t know why I started to cry but I was just so good.

After we finished he asked if I was ok and all I could say is I’m just emotional right now and I don’t know why.

I don’t know if this was some life changing moment. If it was just that I finally had him and I was overwhelmed. Who knows but, this was scary.

This shit was bothering the hell out of me the entire time I was driving home. It wasn’t even that I was thinking about my hoe-ism, I was just dumbfounded on the fact that was crying.

It’s not like was in pain or hurting I was just overjoyed that I was having great sex and I just started to cry. Crazy.

Now that I’ve been able to reflect I guess I will be a hoe I just need to do it in moderation and I need to have more sex with buddy #2.

FYI for the judgemental fuckers that still read this and judged me, yes do get tested for diseases regularly because I trust none of these niggas. I did something stupid but hey many life experiences come from doing stupid shit. If I found out that these niggas left their spawn in me, well I’m pro-choice. If you still have shit to say fuck off.

Honestly who can say that haven’t done some stupid shit?

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Posted by on April 18, 2016 in Dumb Sh*t, Life

 

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Untitled

Oh Patron, you know I love you right? You were the first drink I ever fell in love with when I became legal to drink. I have had other affairs prior to you but they meant nothing. They all tasted like juice compared to the supple agave nectar you derived from. Oh the taste of your aged flavors dance along my tongue and smoothly drip down my throat leaving the sweet smell to linger in my mouth. After minutes go by and I have had all that I can handle from you after 5 shots, you firmly let me know who you are and what you’re about.

You are the one the opens me up and tends to extra life to my day but, you are also the one who have me becoming very intimate with porcelain when I’ve had too much of you.

Forever my love but I have to be honest lately I have been having an affair with Bombay.

I am sorry for this betrayal but, you have to understand this was not to hurt you but I was introduced and hooked by the first sip.

Please forgive for I will make this all up tonight to ring in the new year.

Happy new year mufuckas

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2015 in Dumb Sh*t, Humor, Random Sh*t

 

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FROM CELIBACY TO PLAN B

So after about 14 months i am no longer out of commission. I FINALLY got the D but there maybe a bigger crises to avoid.
Just this past Saturday i went to a club with friends supporting a friends’ new job as a bartender in which i have to say she sucks. What kind of friend would i be to lie. Anyway when heading to the club i brought my fake-ass boyfriend along to party and so we could go home afterwards.
He is my fake-ass boyfriend due to we clearly know where we stand with each other, when we are together and when we’re not. No confusion and misunderstandings here.
The night was someone hectic but short lived. Just keep in mind that this night included alcohol and maybe a drug or two. Myself and my fake-ass boyfriend (now being called buddy in this story) pre-gamed with a “bar”. If you know what that is great, if not go ask a baser. This wasn’t a heavy drug and no flipping out but it made the night better later after the club.
Immediately after we went back to buddy house i wanted to sleep but the pressure i was feeling of something being pressed in my ass caused me to be somewhat alert.

Thinking back on it, it feels like a dream almost as if it didn’t happen; like a dreamt it all. It seems like i wasn’t awake but i know i was because there were a LOT of things happening. It was pretty great for me since i wasn’t getting any D in 14 months.
The last i remember is that he pulled out and it landed on my ass. He was nice enough to wipe it off and i literally passed out.
(Sidenote: If he can at least wipe his nut off of you he is fuck-able in the future and may care but if he doesn’t let that be the last time ya’ll have sex.)
After our coma i woke up to birds chipping, the sun shining and the nigga holding me snoring in my ear. I did the whole “were are my panties” line for a good minute.
Then took the walk of shame, not because i had sex but only because i don’t do sleep overs. I started to recap what the hell went down and why it was so good. It all was coming back to me that this nigga went raw damn near the entire time.
I didn’t get entirely upset because me and buddy have history but i started thinking more and more that i don’t want this nigga spawn in me.
For some that paid attention in health class, besides catching an STD when hitting it raw you can get pregnant even when using the pull out method. To those that know me on a personal level, i don’t like kids and damn sure don’t want any of my own rugrats running around no time soon.
After giving buddy his props on how it was good but then in the same breath cursing him out about the possible shit that can happen the call ended after he said, “you should go take the Plan B”.
After a full recovery i went to the pharmacy nervous and humiliated asking for the Plan B. After all of my years promiscuity i never been in this situation nor had an abortion. That would’ve been the next step if this shit fails. Sorry for all you pro life folks but you all can kindly click that exit button if you feel sensitive about that comment.
To conclude i took the Plan B hoping there won’t be a part 2 to this story of how shit is getting sucked out of me like a Dyson.

Happy New Year, forgive me for my extreme late pass

 
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Posted by on January 28, 2013 in Dumb Sh*t, My Thoughts, Random Sh*t

 

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Lesbian Porn

Let me state this, I don’t have a problem with homosexual people and want them to experience the same rights as heterosexual folks but my main thing is the sexual act of lesbians.

Recently I was watching porn and rubbing one out, because of my accidental celibacy and I decided to look at some different shit. This is not my first time looking at lesbian porn but I don’t think I was paying attention at the time. Anyway I looked at some lesbian porn and the entire time I’m watching it, I just kept looking confused and had so many questions. Like are these real lesbians? Why does one have a strap-on under her clothes like it was actually her dick? Why the fuck are they grinding on each others leg? Believe me there were more questions but I truly didn’t understand it.
I decided to look at one were I guess they were actually lesbians (lesbians that were more butch) and still more questions. I’ve been watching porn for years and seen some very VERY strange shit.
I’ve seen threesomes with a guy and 2 girls or a girl and 2 guys but I never had questions it was self explanatory. I just didn’t understand lesbian porn at all. Maybe it’s not for me to understand and i really should be thinking to hard about sex especially lesbian porn but seriously something just needs to be explained or cleared up.
I guess the main confusion come from looking at lesbians have sex with a dildo blows my mind. I mean like apparently these women have sworn off dick yet they want to be fucked with a fake one. These hoes (everyone’s are hoes to me) are being forced to have semi-hetero sex. I can’t be the only one who has thought of this.
These hoes won’t have sex with a guy the same way but they will with a female, why? Why is it that you grind on each others legs when you can just do the shit yourself. I know if there are any lesbians reading this maybe the way you have sex is not the same in these lesbian porn flicks but if you do I think your look stupid.
I damn sure don’t understand scissoring.
Maybe it’s the entire act of being with a female. I understand the situation of being with someone who understands female issues without you having to explain because of course they are female as well. I just don’t think I could do it for more than a day, not to mention when your on your period. I know for sure I’m not pleasant and don’t want to be bothered why the fuck would I want to deal with another female and her shit.
I guess I’ll add this to my list of strange porn shit I’ve seen.

Disclosure: For the following person(s) that take offense to my opinion get the fuck out of your feelings. Have a great day

 
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Posted by on October 1, 2012 in Dumb Sh*t, Humor, My Thoughts, Random Sh*t

 

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Accidental celibacy

(PSA: I’m NOT looking for anything from some of the pervs reading this)

The last time i had sex, not counting by myself, was November 2011. This is a bittersweet moment because I remember times in which not getting any for a month was brutal. Months were flying by before I realized that I hadn’t been getting any.
This is an accidental celibacy not by choice or to better myself because its just not; it just happened. I could blame it on being busy but that would be a lie. I could say that I haven’t been horny but that would be a lie too. There’s been plenty of times in which I wanted rape niggas(all races) were they stood but, I never did. And no I didn’t have an STD either.
I just think that there hasn’t been anybody that I wanted to have sex with. I’ve out grown all the guys I use to have sex with. I guess I’m looking for someone who I don’t have to say anything and will know what to do. It’s fun meeting new people and other times it’s not but I feel it maybe sometime before I find Mr. Right Now to fuck me 60 ways till Sunday. I know that’s a lot but sex adjusts my attitude and without it for nearly a year is not a good thing.
I did the one night stand years ago and that’s not for me but I’m fine with that. I need someone who will play a part-time recurring role.
I guess since everything is a learning experience i have to dig deep to realize what this means, if anything. It’s not as if i was living a truly extreme promiscuous life, compared to some of these ratchet females. I guess I’ll just finish out my year until then I’m going to be glued to all the free porn websites.

 
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Posted by on September 27, 2012 in Dumb Sh*t, Life, Random Sh*t

 

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I’m here… Now I’m gone

My bad folks I’ve been moving and doing a whole bunch of other shit i would tell you about but you don’t need to know. Once i get my self together I’ll get ya’ll up to date but for know here is something for you to marinate on.
Why do lesbians have sex with a dildo when they can have the real thing? This shit truly boggles my mind.

 
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Posted by on June 29, 2012 in Dumb Sh*t, Life

 

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America’s Best Idol Dancing X Crew

Maybe its me but why the he’llshit us there so many dancing/singing competitions on t.v. . I mean seriously has no one ever noticed this shit but me. Just about every week you have “X Factor”, “So You Think You Can Dance?”, “America’s Got Talent”, “Dancing With The Stars”, “America’s Best Dance Crew” and “American Idol” and they all are pretty much exactly the fucking same. Are American’s truly drawn and obsessed with this talent show shit that its constantly on t.v. . Wake the fuck up people all this shit that’s you dumbass people are watching is again the same.
I mean seriously between all of these shows what’s the difference. With all of these shows they all have people that are trying to get their 15 minutes of fame which is usually over within the first 10 minutes if people have an attention span that will last that long. All and many of the judges aegis has been or people who in a rut. Let me not even get started on contestants who will swear people up and down that they are the shit. Then you have the desperate people that call in multiple time to vote for someone who is going to be forgotten about a month, maybe two months if they’re lucky. You are really wasting your phone minutes free or not calling in 7 times for what don’t you know that your vote doesn’t count and that they pick off of whose more popular; traditionally basis of a talent show but hey what do i know. I hope anyone who watch’s any of these show i have offended.

 
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Posted by on May 22, 2012 in Dumb Sh*t, My Thoughts

 

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