It’s seems as if history is repeating itself.
So I am a scorpio so I think it has something to do with many of my traits and quirks. Nonetheless I kinda feel as if I need a change…just a little.
Last night I was talking with Buddy just to get an understanding of us being on the same page. I practically asked him “what are we?” just in a different form to which the typical female in my situation would ask.
He in turned said that “there could be more but you are to distant.”
When I first heard him say this my first reaction was a very impulsive one to say well, “fuck you too, let’s end it”, but after much needed sleep. I woke up a few hours before my alarm and the previous conversation was still on my mind.
I was thinking about how the hell am I going to break this shit off with buddy and in a smooth, less painful heart breaking way for me; but then I went back to sleep.
I woke to the gental sounds of my alarm and had a serious deja-vu moment. The words from buddy from the previous night were clearly reminiscent from a previous love in my life.
The previous love ended many years ago and after it ended it took me about 2-3 years to truly realize what he was saying.
For many years I thought that the previous love and I ended because he was stupid and didn’t appreciate heaving sex here and there with no attachments. He pretty much told me that he didn’t like the fact that I would just show up every few months and have sex then disappear until I wanted him again.
For me I didn’t think anything of it and was just going off his vibes. For me if I get the feeling that you only want sex that’s what your going to get but if you want more than just sex I test you a few times a to see where your mind is at; once you fail all bets are off so don’t punish me because you didn’t take the bait when you had multiple chances.
Back then I was young and a hopeless romantic. Watching all these movies about how the guy will fall for you and want to be with forever. There may have been a game or two played but the biggest game of it all was distance.
I used to believe absence made the heart grow fonder.
It wasn’t until read that in a book that absence makes the heart grow colder to which I had my “Eureka!” moment.
So immediately when I woke up this morning I realized if I want to keep this relationship and not fuck up I need to balance my hermit life and social life just a little bit better.
I never realized it but constantly being away and by myself was so normal to me but abnormal to whoever I was with at the time. Apparently others didn’t appreciate it. It’s strange that I find comfort in solitude, but yet there are time I want to be around others; mainly buddy. I realized during this moment of epiphany, even as I write this, that if I don’t change I will be lonely as hell. FOREVER.
I have yet to come to share this moment of clarity with buddy but I’m hoping that if he is serious at being with me that he will understand that I be dealing with some internal shit and that he takes some time to realize it’s worth the wait.
So yeah that’s what I am dealing with so early in the year.
I usually say I’ll try to post more but as a lie life happens I’ll post when I post. I know I’m late but Happy New Year fuckers.