Reality vs Expectation: Mo’Nique and Netflix

Today’s word is relavant.

rel·e·vant

ˈreləvənt/

adjective

1. closely connected or appropriate to what is being done or considered.

   “what small companies need is relevant advice”

   synonyms:

   pertinent, applicable, apposite, material, apropos, to the point, germane; More

   • appropriate to the current time, period, or circumstances; of contemporary interest.

     “critics may find themselves unable to stay relevant in a changing world”

With that being said I’m going to say what Netflix didn’t which is the reason for this constant going back and forth along with the ridiculous Netflix boycott.

You ready, here it is…

You’re not relevant. 

You’re not on top of your game like you was many years ago. 

I truly believe this is what they wanted to say but they fucked up and said the silly shit of we don’t go based upon resumes, which is the reason why this has become a topic of discussion.

Now I understand what they offered may have been a slap in the face but I don’t know why she would compare herself to Amy Schumer. Mo’Nique has done many thing and has been acknowledged for by her many awards in which the non-funny Amy Schumer  doesn’t even come close too. 

I like to give credit when it’s due and I can say that yea the amount Amy was given was a lot and yes Netflix went to far and could have cut it on half and she still would have performed. In addition saying that Amy was big for that year and she deserved it but honestly I beg to differ. 

I think Netflix has a list of things they are looking for before they start offering comedy specials. You can’t just walk in there and not have at least thought “hey maybe I should deflate my ego and be realistic about what I have done in the past 5 to 10 years and not look at it collectively.”

For us regular folks when we are completing our resume we only put our previous work experiences that spans from 5-10 years because putting every previous work history is not going to be relevant now from what you’ve done 20 years ago. 

So if that is the case what has Mo’Nique done in the past 5-10 period that all constantly keep our eyes on her…

…  I’m waiting. Seriously!

Outside of the movie Precious (2009) and Almost Christmas (2016) there wasn’t much done in between. As for comedy shows I’m sure there have been some but none that was like “damn that Mo’Nique comedy show was fucking funny I gotta go again.” 

So if we was to look at the info available on IMDB and Wikipedia as for completing a resume for 10 years then it will be more on the lines like yea the amount Netflix offered was about right. Using the same resources for Amy, uh she has shown to have done more. Especially things related to her comedic craft. To which again I don’t find funny but many of us know why.

So since that is the case we can say that “IF” Netflix was looking at their resumes of shit they each done in 10 years then it obvious of a clear winner. 

Ok now let’s see if we can play the Race card, oops we can’t because of Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock.

Ok let so let’s stick with the gender card and for all women because since the Women’s March last January and just this past weekend we need to stick together. Yea you’re right but let’s be honest with ourseleves had Tiffany Haddish been offered to do a Netflix special she would’ve been paid the amount she was asking. 

Why? You ask oh I don’t know because she is relevant. 

I’m not hating on anyone I just sometime wish people would look at reality and stop the expectation and then when they realize that both reality and expectations aren’t aligning then they start yelling how unfairly they were treated and now it’s not justified. 

I can’t stand so called adults that act like 3 year olds. Grow up.

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Absence makes the heart grow colder

It’s seems as if history is repeating itself.

So I am a scorpio so I think it has something to do with many of my traits and quirks. Nonetheless I kinda feel as if I need a change…just a little.

Last night I was talking with Buddy just to get an understanding of us being on the same page. I practically asked him “what are we?” just in a different form to which the typical female in my situation would ask. 

He in turned said that “there could be more but you are to distant.”

When I first heard him say this my first reaction was a very impulsive one to say well, “fuck you too, let’s end it”, but after much needed sleep. I woke up a few hours before my alarm and the previous conversation was still on my mind. 

I was thinking about how the hell am I going to break this shit off with buddy and in a smooth, less painful heart breaking way for me; but then I went back to sleep.

I woke to the gental sounds of my alarm and had a serious deja-vu moment. The words from buddy from the previous night were clearly reminiscent from a previous love in my life.

The previous love ended many years ago and after it ended it took me about 2-3 years to truly realize what he was saying.

For many years I thought that the previous love and I ended because he was stupid and didn’t appreciate heaving sex here and there with no attachments. He pretty much told me that he didn’t like the fact that I would just show up every few months and have sex then disappear until I wanted him again. 
For me I didn’t think anything of it and was just going off his vibes. For me if I get the feeling that you only want sex that’s what your going to get but if you want more than just sex I test you a few times a to see where your mind is at; once you fail all bets are off so don’t punish me because you didn’t take the bait when you had multiple chances.

Back then I was young and a hopeless romantic. Watching all these movies about how the guy will fall for you and want to be with forever. There may have been a game or two played but the biggest game of it all was distance.  

I used to believe absence made the heart grow fonder.

It wasn’t until read that in a book that absence makes the heart grow colder to which I had my “Eureka!” moment.

So immediately when I woke up this morning I realized if I want to keep this relationship and not fuck up I need to balance my hermit life and social life just a little bit better.

I never realized it but constantly being away and by myself was so normal to me but abnormal to whoever I was with at the time. Apparently others didn’t appreciate it. It’s strange that I find comfort in solitude, but yet there are time I want to be around others; mainly buddy. I realized during this moment of epiphany, even as I write this, that if I don’t change I will be lonely as hell. FOREVER.

I have yet to come to share this moment of clarity with buddy but I’m hoping that if he is serious at being with me that he will understand that I be dealing with some internal shit and that he takes some time to realize it’s worth the wait.

So yeah that’s what I am dealing with so early in the year.

I usually say I’ll try to post more but as a lie life happens I’ll post when I post. I know I’m late but Happy New Year fuckers.

 

Russian Tips: Hate it or Love it

Well it’s been awhile since I talked about something related to my name and what I do and I meant to do this earlier but whatever.

The Russian piping tips, man oh man I am not entirely a fan.

First, before someone gets in thier feelings and become emotional about my opinion because thier underwear is lodged deep inside thier ass; I have a few words for you…

Go the fuck away.

Moving on, the Russian Tips are good for that happy homemaker who is trying to make an impression for that bitchy neighbor who tried to show off her own Martha Stewart skills.

I find it insulting when I learned a skill of making a buttercream flowers. My shit is on point and here is some bitch with this cookie cutter piping tips pushing out boxed cake/cupcakes and selling them like they are worth anything.

BITCH FUCK YOU!!!!

FUCK YOU!

 

Don’t judge me: sex and tears

Disclaimer: don’t judge me, people do dumb, eyebrow raised shit but hey experience life an move on.

I always considered myself a reformed hoe. I changed my hoe-ish ways and was civilized but, last night changed all that.

Thanks to my love of Patron.
I was drunk off Parton….straight no chaser and I made bad choices that turned out to be good until some weird shit happened.

So it was around 9pm I receive a call from buddy #1 telling me that I should come over because he was feeling nice. Fine, whatever after 5 minutes of  serious convincing from his end on why I need to come to his place I give in.

Let me just set the mood for as to the state I was on when he called. My room was dark mainly because of the time but I also have blackout curtains. The tv was the only thing that illuminated the room. I have been hibernating in my room since the previous day and there is evidence of me getting food from the crumpled up chip and candy bags. Along with a plates, cups and empty water bottles thrown on the floor. My hair was wild and I am sure my breathe and body was too. I resembled a bum. A homeless lady just with a home. It was bad but I was comfortable…funky yet still comfortable.

So from that state to his call there definitely was a need of me being convinced that I needed to go out into the real world.

Moving on he tells me that he was drinking and feeling nice. To me that translate as decent dick for at least 20 minutes. This is what swayed me into turn my light on and getting into the shower to become a real person again.

Due to the fact that I was dragging my feet on going out for decent dick I declined on shaving…anywhere. I wasn’t extremely hairy in places but things were a tad bit wild.

Before I get there I hit up the liquor store because if he is feeling nice I need to get up to that level and Patron will get me there fast. I got a couple mini bottles and drunk them before I saw him. Immediately once I see him I knew that not only did he drunk but he was high. So clearly he is at a higher level of nice than I thought. He was high and had Hennessey so my inner me was like

“

hell yea I am going to attack you

” but of course the outer me had to be cool.

For those who drink Patron, let alone straight you know it tends to make you hot. Hot…like you are in a sauna with winter clothes on. It also make me have a tingling sensation….. oh man, I love Patron.

So I tell him I’m hot and I start taking my clothes off. Now I am laying there in my bra and panties trying to cool off and this would be great for him to start, but of course not. It’s about 45 minutes later I am still cooling off and getting sleepy. My tingling sensation is gone and I am ready to leave.

We finally have sex and on scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) I was a solid 4.

So sad.

We’re laying there and I am talking made shit about how this was subpar dick and after the many time together I’ve only tapped out twice compared to him, which I know is greater than 20.

He starts falling asleep and I start playing games in my phone. Then the idea of me going home and playing with myself seems so much better. I start texting buddy #2 for some help in my solo session and he’s down.

Now before you even ask, buddy #2 was busy with work. I talked to him before I was no longer looking like a homeless lady. Also buddy #2 has an unpredictable schedule so who knew the series of events were to happen.

Moving on….

After I take a shower, I am trying to make a quick get away to go home buddy is trying to get me to stay. Oh hell no! I don’t do sleep overs. I finally leave still texting buddy #2 and I tell him how I miss him.

As soon as I start my engine, he sends me the best text ever.

“Come get some dick”

Oh my God!!!! I scream and shout not in the excitement of finally getting this text after months of being on hiatus with him and his good dick but because I just wasted my vagina for the day on buddy #1.

Why oh why, have they not invent the time machine yet?

After a long debate as I drive home of me pulling my hoe card out for this special moment I respond to him that I am on my way.

This was a serious debate of how can I go and have sex with one and a few hours have sex with another. I mean I have had sex with 2 different guys 23 hrs from each other but this was some serious hoe shit that I never done before.

Well I looked at it from many different ways.
1. Guys do it. I know the whole double standard thing blah blah blah but you gotta really think this was some “white whale” shit that I have been waiting for.
2. Protection. I used protection with one so I will also use it with the other. I can take being a hoe, but a nasty hoe I can’t love with.
3. Exclusivity. I am not in a relationship with either of this guy’s so I can live a scantily clad life for the night.
4. Privacy. I was going to take this to the grave but I decided to share with the world.
5. I am fucking horny. All buddy #1 did was get me to level where I needed to have sex.
6. It’s getting late. It’s Sunday, a school night I am not trying to be up all night knowing I have to get up in a few hours.

After all that I didn’t feel bad or judgment against myself about doing this.

I go to buddy #2 house and we talk for 2 minutes before he said “take it off now”.
I was so excited that I was able to have sex with him I declined him giving me head because again really fucked up plus I just missed his dick.

We have sex, and dammit the shit was amazing. Epic. The best.

Once…twice…three times in one session. It was well needed.

Something else happened in the midst of the second time. I started getting teary-eyed. Then I started to cry.

WTF.

I don’t know why I started to cry but I was just so good.

After we finished he asked if I was ok and all I could say is I’m just emotional right now and I don’t know why.

I don’t know if this was some life changing moment. If it was just that I finally had him and I was overwhelmed. Who knows but, this was scary.

This shit was bothering the hell out of me the entire time I was driving home. It wasn’t even that I was thinking about my hoe-ism, I was just dumbfounded on the fact that was crying.

It’s not like was in pain or hurting I was just overjoyed that I was having great sex and I just started to cry. Crazy.

Now that I’ve been able to reflect I guess I will be a hoe I just need to do it in moderation and I need to have more sex with buddy #2.

FYI for the judgemental fuckers that still read this and judged me, yes do get tested for diseases regularly because I trust none of these niggas. I did something stupid but hey many life experiences come from doing stupid shit. If I found out that these niggas left their spawn in me, well I’m pro-choice. If you still have shit to say fuck off.

Honestly who can say that haven’t done some stupid shit?

 

Untitled

Oh Patron, you know I love you right? You were the first drink I ever fell in love with when I became legal to drink. I have had other affairs prior to you but they meant nothing. They all tasted like juice compared to the supple agave nectar you derived from. Oh the taste of your aged flavors dance along my tongue and smoothly drip down my throat leaving the sweet smell to linger in my mouth. After minutes go by and I have had all that I can handle from you after 5 shots, you firmly let me know who you are and what you’re about.

You are the one the opens me up and tends to extra life to my day but, you are also the one who have me becoming very intimate with porcelain when I’ve had too much of you.

Forever my love but I have to be honest lately I have been having an affair with Bombay.

I am sorry for this betrayal but, you have to understand this was not to hurt you but I was introduced and hooked by the first sip.

Please forgive for I will make this all up tonight to ring in the new year.

Happy new year mufuckas

 

Best friends become strangers

So has anyone ever had that friend you been cool with since day 1 and damn near 10 years go by and out the blue they’re ignoring you and not talking to you.

I know what you’re thinking well, you must have done something wrong. Sorry Charlie, but no.

If what I did was ask for money she owed me, well go play hop scotch in the street.

This is some shit that has confused the hell out of me for the past 3 weeks.

I’ve called and called and nothing. I’ve left voicemail and still nada.

Christmas came and gone and still I’m being avoided like a bill collector.

If you’re mad at someone and you don’t let them know then there really is no issue. Also if you’re over the age of 30 and you still can’t express yourself to people you called your best friend, hell even your sister then you seriously should seek help.

I’ve always kept it 100 with her and I thought it would be the same but, hey with how things are today you can’t expect people to use their brain let alone come to a person they supposedly have a problem with.

It’s sad that it’s come to this. I was upset then but after a few months I think I’ll see if she is still alive and call her to see what the issue was.

Anyway it’s the new year upon us and hopefully I can expect for there to be bigger and better changes.

 

Therapy Session

I swear niggas are slow they are just as confused as females that claim to know what they want.
A female can say that they want a relationship but as soon as it’s started and that honeymoon phase is over she trying to call it quits or does some shit to fuck it up.

It’s been on and off between me and this asshole and for a brief time it ended but like magnets couldn’t stay away from each other. I get a whole big speech of how we should be together and blah blah blah.
Totally apprehensive about going back eventually we do now and I get some bullshit of how he not trying to be in a relationship with me because I have an attitude problem and don’t take anything serious.

REALLY NIGGA!!!?!!?!!!!!?!!?!!!!?

I refuse to be one of the people that start inadvertently start telling their ex or whatever to accept them for the person they are by saying ” how bad they are going to miss them”, “how lucky they were” and some bullshit of “how they won’t find anyone like them”.
You know the dumb shit. I hate when people, primarily females practically begging a muthafucker to not break up and take them back.

Sorry but not sorry.

BITCH grow a fucking spine and walk away from that chicken dinner and get you a winner, without that “I ain’t going to beg your ass but actually I am” attitude.

Anyway back to me a buddy, I know that I am a smart ass, sarcastic muthafucker but I don’t look at it as having a bad attitude. You can’t really say that I have a bad attitude if your an asshole and can’t tell me a single example of what I did. I am a person that I learn from example. You can’t say I did something wrong but not tell me what I did. That doesn’t make any fucking sense. ANYWHERE.

Who the fuck is he to say that I don’t take shit seriously. That alone is a clear fucking sign that this asshole doesn’t know the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground. 

This is the shit I go through being single and dealing with idiots. I honestly hold back the most in some of the shit that he says, so excuse the fuck out of me. If a collective group of people heard the simplest shit that comes out of his mouth they might think he was dropped on his head. LOL slightly kidding.

UGH! I needed to vent about this idiot because my best friend and sister would’ve slapped the shit out of me once I finished, hell maybe mid way of me yelling, screaming and; dare I say it; crying. Sad I know but hey muthafucker I can’t be gang banging on everything.

LMAO…I tried to say that shit as if I gave a fuck about this bitchass nigga.

FUCK THAT MUTHAFUCKER.

I say this now because I am on the outskirts of relationship zone, but because I’ve known this same asshole for nearly 10 years now I know that it’s going to take a minute before we put each other back in friendzone.

Before you even say, we’ll technically he has been put you in the friendzone, fuck you bitch no he hasn’t. This punk ass is too proud to admit shit and sadly to say I know him to well. Plus not to really go there but he praises my pussy every time I’m in his presence. He damn sure isn’t the only one, who does either.