FROM CELIBACY TO PLAN B

So after about 14 months i am no longer out of commission. I FINALLY got the D but there maybe a bigger crises to avoid.
Just this past Saturday i went to a club with friends supporting a friends’ new job as a bartender in which i have to say she sucks. What kind of friend would i be to lie. Anyway when heading to the club i brought my fake-ass boyfriend along to party and so we could go home afterwards.
He is my fake-ass boyfriend due to we clearly know where we stand with each other, when we are together and when we’re not. No confusion and misunderstandings here.
The night was someone hectic but short lived. Just keep in mind that this night included alcohol and maybe a drug or two. Myself and my fake-ass boyfriend (now being called buddy in this story) pre-gamed with a “bar”. If you know what that is great, if not go ask a baser. This wasn’t a heavy drug and no flipping out but it made the night better later after the club.
Immediately after we went back to buddy house i wanted to sleep but the pressure i was feeling of something being pressed in my ass caused me to be somewhat alert.

Thinking back on it, it feels like a dream almost as if it didn’t happen; like a dreamt it all. It seems like i wasn’t awake but i know i was because there were a LOT of things happening. It was pretty great for me since i wasn’t getting any D in 14 months.
The last i remember is that he pulled out and it landed on my ass. He was nice enough to wipe it off and i literally passed out.
(Sidenote: If he can at least wipe his nut off of you he is fuck-able in the future and may care but if he doesn’t let that be the last time ya’ll have sex.)
After our coma i woke up to birds chipping, the sun shining and the nigga holding me snoring in my ear. I did the whole “were are my panties” line for a good minute.
Then took the walk of shame, not because i had sex but only because i don’t do sleep overs. I started to recap what the hell went down and why it was so good. It all was coming back to me that this nigga went raw damn near the entire time.
I didn’t get entirely upset because me and buddy have history but i started thinking more and more that i don’t want this nigga spawn in me.
For some that paid attention in health class, besides catching an STD when hitting it raw you can get pregnant even when using the pull out method. To those that know me on a personal level, i don’t like kids and damn sure don’t want any of my own rugrats running around no time soon.
After giving buddy his props on how it was good but then in the same breath cursing him out about the possible shit that can happen the call ended after he said, “you should go take the Plan B”.
After a full recovery i went to the pharmacy nervous and humiliated asking for the Plan B. After all of my years promiscuity i never been in this situation nor had an abortion. That would’ve been the next step if this shit fails. Sorry for all you pro life folks but you all can kindly click that exit button if you feel sensitive about that comment.
To conclude i took the Plan B hoping there won’t be a part 2 to this story of how shit is getting sucked out of me like a Dyson.

Happy New Year, forgive me for my extreme late pass

 

Have some bullshit and oh yea happy birthday

Last Friday was my birthday I turned 26 and ain’t shit change but nonetheless I am blessed to reach another year. Ok the day started off pretty good, I was receiving birthday wishes, I got paid not to mention I was off, which is ALWAYS a wonderful thing. I didn’t do everything I wanted because Sandy came through and fucked up my plans. Anyway I made the best of it by finding shit to do in Florida, unfortunately my fun was somewhat short lived because some dumb bitch stole my muthafuckin phone.

That’s rights you read that correctly. This bitch stole my phone right from my pocket which I still am confused about that shit. I was at a club having fun after having after 4 shots of my favorite drug, Patron. I was making the best out of situation because I originally didn’t plan on going and just wanted to chill but I was threaten to get my ass kicked if I didn’t, sisterly love.

I honestly haven’t been in a club in years and was thinking I am going to feel out of place and I wasn’t entirely up to date with all these wacky ass songs they play on the radio; luckily they was playing shit I knew. About that 5-10 minutes after my first shot I was feeling good so by time I got to my forth I was happy and loving everyone. I know for a fact I wasn’t drunk just tipsy.

The last thing I remember was checking my phone before heading to VIP. There I still had fun and got a free drink of something, don’t know what but it was so good. After that I realized my phone was gone and even though I was sad about it I had a big ass smile on my face when I was telling everyone.

The next day I did some major recon to locate my phone thinking someone would’ve been kind to return it but I was being naive. I was able to look online and see that the bitch that stole my phone lived in Miami and was calling and texting people. I was able to suspend the line and it was a good thing i had insurance but I had to pay $130 for the damn deductible.

What really pisses me off is I was having issues with phone and just bought a new battery and charger and this hoe took that shit. At this point she can keep the phone I just want the battery and memory card back. She can keep the rest of the bullshit.

Anyway in the end I got a new phone but I’m still slightly sensitive about the shit. This is something I will never forget but gift I didn’t want.

 

Candied Sweet Potato cupcakes

So I don’t know about any of you all but I love the fall season. The change of weather, nature and my mutha-phucking birthday. I was skeptical on how it would taste until I added some marshmallows, caramel, oatmeal and pecans. Once I took a bite i wanted to punch a nigga in the throat that’s how good they were and I’m not even a fan of marshmallows.

 

Brown sugar pound cakes with brown butter icing

 

Get out and vote

If you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t registered to vote go do so NOW. It’s not difficult. I’m not going to tell you who to vote for because I don’t feel that I should tell anyone who or what to vote for; or anyone else should for that matter. For those who say “I’m not voting” please do everyone a favor and go play in a busy street. I truly can’t stand the assholes who say they’re not voting for some dumbass reason. There are places in the world in which people can’t vote for certain criteria and people are choosing not to vote for dumb shit. When Obama won people were expecting shit to change overnight, to which I say if McCain were POTUS they world expect the same. After the shit we came from the previous president there would have been no overnight miracles. My favorite hip hop artist is Lupe Fiasco and I have no problem disagreeing with his reason not to vote. He makes it very clear in his interviews and music that he is not voting for Obama, which is cool but if for him to be in the position that he’s in, he could manage to do something instead of yelling in the wind. He always has negative things to say about Obama but never that I have heard of what can be done or that he has felt needs to be changed. For those of you who don’t know who Lupe is get the fuck off my shit. Nonetheless there are many avenues Lupe I think could’ve taken to voice his opinion to get shit done or hell at least try. It’s one thing to say you did something, tried and failed but another to don’t do anything and still be angry on how shit isn’t being done. He could’ve contacted anyone in his local government office and found the way to have his voice be heard. He could’ve protested, hell his fans did. There are maybe a few things that he maybe could’ve done but at this point un time its too late. Now he just sounds like a jackass, yet i still am a big fan of his music. People are constantly calling Obama;or any other person in office is a liar but are falling short of what they need to do for things to change. Making an uproar on a social network or in music doesn’t quite get the job done. There are procedures in place for us as Americans to take so we can make sure our government get shit done in our favor. Look at other countries, when they don’t like shit their government has done they take it to the streets and protest for days until they get what they they want. I’m not saying to be reckless as to what we may have seen from other countries but shit can be done properly without things spiraling out of control. For example the folks of Occupy Wall Street had ample opportunities to do what was needed then camp outside yelling and screaming. I get what they are doing but out of the hundreds of them there was that one that came up with the idea and they should’ve put things into motion of having things changed, because honestly if i would’ve worked on wall street and seen people sleeping on the side with their sign i would’ve kindly walked over them with no issue. We live in a time were there are no more MLK’s…Ghandi’s…Malcolm X’s. Its only people who will go one third of the way and not rest. No one out here is willing to be that advocate of the people and speak up and call government on their bullshit. The only way people will start is by some social network and then move on once they get bored and then when shit gets popping again they want to act like they have been on top of things from the jump. How are you going to be a half ass activist? This election period I don’t care who you vote for just do it as to how it benefits you. Educate yourself and don’t be a pussy to call people on their bullshit. For those of you who are still undecided at this time go play in a busy street with the “I’m not voting” idiots.

 

Lesbian Porn

Let me state this, I don’t have a problem with homosexual people and want them to experience the same rights as heterosexual folks but my main thing is the sexual act of lesbians.

Recently I was watching porn and rubbing one out, because of my accidental celibacy and I decided to look at some different shit. This is not my first time looking at lesbian porn but I don’t think I was paying attention at the time. Anyway I looked at some lesbian porn and the entire time I’m watching it, I just kept looking confused and had so many questions. Like are these real lesbians? Why does one have a strap-on under her clothes like it was actually her dick? Why the fuck are they grinding on each others leg? Believe me there were more questions but I truly didn’t understand it.
I decided to look at one were I guess they were actually lesbians (lesbians that were more butch) and still more questions. I’ve been watching porn for years and seen some very VERY strange shit.
I’ve seen threesomes with a guy and 2 girls or a girl and 2 guys but I never had questions it was self explanatory. I just didn’t understand lesbian porn at all. Maybe it’s not for me to understand and i really should be thinking to hard about sex especially lesbian porn but seriously something just needs to be explained or cleared up.
I guess the main confusion come from looking at lesbians have sex with a dildo blows my mind. I mean like apparently these women have sworn off dick yet they want to be fucked with a fake one. These hoes (everyone’s are hoes to me) are being forced to have semi-hetero sex. I can’t be the only one who has thought of this.
These hoes won’t have sex with a guy the same way but they will with a female, why? Why is it that you grind on each others legs when you can just do the shit yourself. I know if there are any lesbians reading this maybe the way you have sex is not the same in these lesbian porn flicks but if you do I think your look stupid.
I damn sure don’t understand scissoring.
Maybe it’s the entire act of being with a female. I understand the situation of being with someone who understands female issues without you having to explain because of course they are female as well. I just don’t think I could do it for more than a day, not to mention when your on your period. I know for sure I’m not pleasant and don’t want to be bothered why the fuck would I want to deal with another female and her shit.
I guess I’ll add this to my list of strange porn shit I’ve seen.

Disclosure: For the following person(s) that take offense to my opinion get the fuck out of your feelings. Have a great day

 

Accidental celibacy

(PSA: I’m NOT looking for anything from some of the pervs reading this)

The last time i had sex, not counting by myself, was November 2011. This is a bittersweet moment because I remember times in which not getting any for a month was brutal. Months were flying by before I realized that I hadn’t been getting any.
This is an accidental celibacy not by choice or to better myself because its just not; it just happened. I could blame it on being busy but that would be a lie. I could say that I haven’t been horny but that would be a lie too. There’s been plenty of times in which I wanted rape niggas(all races) were they stood but, I never did. And no I didn’t have an STD either.
I just think that there hasn’t been anybody that I wanted to have sex with. I’ve out grown all the guys I use to have sex with. I guess I’m looking for someone who I don’t have to say anything and will know what to do. It’s fun meeting new people and other times it’s not but I feel it maybe sometime before I find Mr. Right Now to fuck me 60 ways till Sunday. I know that’s a lot but sex adjusts my attitude and without it for nearly a year is not a good thing.
I did the one night stand years ago and that’s not for me but I’m fine with that. I need someone who will play a part-time recurring role.
I guess since everything is a learning experience i have to dig deep to realize what this means, if anything. It’s not as if i was living a truly extreme promiscuous life, compared to some of these ratchet females. I guess I’ll just finish out my year until then I’m going to be glued to all the free porn websites.